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Nov. 11th, 2009 | 02:03 am

this month has taken me to hell and back and back again.

at the end of september, i started being social again and having friends after a year spent catering to nick and living in warrensburg. i was enjoying being myself again and eventhough what happened because of it all, i did get in touch with myself again. anyways. this really took a toll on mine and nick's relationship. i became really attracted to this guy jeff that i was hanging out with. the fact that i could be attracted to someone else made me think that mine and nick's relationship was over. i told all of my friends that we were broken up eventhough we weren't. so if there was a time where my friends and nick would be in the same vicinity, i would act as if nick didn't exist. i did feel bad doing that. i started pushing nick away emotionally and became completely enthralled in my social life. there was 2 weeks where i literally just did not see nick, and we live together.

i knew that this was hurting nick because he would ask me to stay home with him or hangout but i was so concerned with jeff and my social life that i just couldn't give nick the time of day. i was being really selfish but i honestly believed things were ending with us. it kind of became clear to me that jeff and i weren't going to happen and i'm so relieved that nothing sexual ever occured between us. even then, i began having people over at my apartment every other night to drink and this affected nick even more and i knew it but just couldn't be bothered to care.

nick dealt with the rejection and lack of love and attention in his own way. before i get to the kicker, he began heavily using drugs and hanging out with people from work that were also heavily into drugs and were just complete sketchballs. i didn't take this as him being hurt and dealing with it in his own way, but as him changing and i did not like it. this caused me to resent him completely and just pretty much ignore his existence.

on sunday the 8th, i came home from work at 3 p.m. to find nick still asleep. this ticked me off but i kind of brushed it off. my grandfather invited us to come over and pick up some fruit he had picked for us. knowing that nick loved my grandpa, i was going to wake him up and invite him to go. i saw his phone on the ground, dead, and i just felt like i needed to go through it. so i did. i found a reply to a text message to his ex-girlfriend.

i asked him why he was talking to her and he said that he sold her some pot earlier that month. that made me really mad and i began to cry but i knew that wasn't it. i began to press him for details and he finally told me that they hung out and he kissed her but that was all. i knew that wasn't the end of it so i called her and she told me EVERYTHING.

they had been hanging out since the end of september (when things started to go bad) and they had been getting intimate. after i heard that, i felt like i had just gained 1,000 pounds and just couldn't contain myself. i beat the shit out of nick and just sobbed. i don't remember most of it for some reason.  i told nick to move out today and that we were done so he left. i went out with my friends. i stayed at meredith's and really just had time to think.

him cheating on me with her was the ultimate betrayal because at the beginning of our relationship, i felt like i was living in her shadow. his parents really liked her and weren't that fond of me, they had a lot of mutual friends, they had dated for a long time and it was just typical new girlfriend jealousy. i felt like he was cheating on me with her because he missed her and wanted to be with her again. this really ate away at me and i never wanted to see him again. then, all the sudden i just felt like i missed him and needed to be with him and i realized how much i still loved him and how badly i had hurt him. then i got to thinking about the past month and how miserable he was. i knew that he was not happy with her and she was not what he wanted. i remembered when we would lay in bed at night and he would cry because he loved me so much.

i called him and asked him to explain and he said that he was not attracted to her in the least and that he cut things off with her a while before i found out. he said being intimate with her again was awkward and he didn't like it at all. they had hooked up about three times and each time was worse and worse. most of the times they hung out, they would just get coffee and smoke pot. he told me that he loves me and still wants to be with me.

the part that hurt the worst is that he brought her into our home.

i realized how much i love him and how much i don't want to be without him. he's my bestfriend. i love him so much. the next day, we met up at the apartment and as soon as i saw him, i just cried. he called her infront of me and said sorry for bringing her into all of this, but that he loves me and all of this was a mistake. 

we are now trying to work past all of this. all i know is i want things to get better and i still love him. i don't want to write about this anymore because it hurts to relive it and i just want to forget and move on.

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